there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
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