Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So vagazzling was a success
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
