i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She even gives head with a lisp.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
