we have officially lost it.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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