she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
