I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
