My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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