On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
