Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
