At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
