why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
