not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
