my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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