he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
