a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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