$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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