Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
