but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
