What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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