your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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