Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
