once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
