Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
