We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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