Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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