my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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