wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
