Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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