Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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