The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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