you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
