Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
