i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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