dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
