a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
