Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
