woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
