I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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