So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
