There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
