Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize