I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
