The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
