did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
