I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's blow job season.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize