Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
