woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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