my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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