Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
