I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
