John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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