My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize