Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
