She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
