i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
as a side note pls kill me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
