My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
